Writing

I have been thinking lately that I really need to get back into the habit of writing. It's a hard one for me to start again. I don't want to sit at the computer all day when I have this beautiful boy to hang with!


But since I know it's something I have to do, I figured I'd get a little jump start and give an update here.
We have been home from Ethiopia for 4 months today. We have only known our little man for 4 months! I cannot believe that. I can't believe that there was a day when we didn't know him. Ethiopia still seems like a blur and I wonder if we really did actually go there. But we have this wild proof that we did, and then there are the pictures. I look at them now and see a different kid than the one that we have now. Believe it or not, Ashar actually looks small in those pictures to me! The monster has grown! And in all of the memories that I have of being in Ethiopia, there was no crying, very few smiles, no talking, no crawling, just quiet. Very solemn, and thinking. That part is still very true. He is certainly a thinker and he takes everything in. It's rather wild to watch it. But as for the smiles, they about with belly laughs and giggles constantly. And he's is quickly getting over crawling all together. He really wants to run, but has just in the past week started walking. Man that process goes fast! One day he figures out that he can, and then it's all he wants to focus on! And he looks SOOO big when he's walking. sniff sniff.
I will say that Ashar has adjusted amazingly, probably much quicker than I did. All of the external stuff (eating, sleeping, being with people, settling in his environment...) has been awesome. He is SUCH a trooper. I am so thankful for his sleeping. I can't believe how well he does, and I am SOOO thankful! As far as the internal stuff, I really think that he's doing great there too. Within about 3 weeks of being home, he started to settle in. Amazing considering the basket case that he had to deal with for a mom (me!!). We can still see that there are times where he gets a bit scared, or just wants to make sure we're here, or he kind of treads back into memories... But he really rolls with the punches, and he progresses.
I haven't really known how to write about the adjustment from my end, and I still don't. That will be part of my writing process later I suppose. My process was pretty rough, and I'm not sure how to articulate all of that. I struggled quite a bit, and was pretty wrapped up in my thoughts, fears, expectations and identity among other things. You know how there is the list most stressful things that can happen in life? Well we kind of tried to hit several of them all in one shot. Buy a new business (this means no paycheck for those keeping track), bring home a 1 year old, and lose another income due to becoming a full time mom. Yup, things have been tight. Tight might be a loose word. And that has certainly added to my own process and adjustment right.
Speaking of bringing home a 1 year old. I can't really get into it in this post, but anyone who has struggled with infertility, and gone through the process of adoption has had to face the fact that you are not bringing home a newborn. You won't go through labor or nurse, or see the first smile, or hear the first coo. There are a lot of things that you have to reconcile that you may never experience. That is its own process. And I am in NO way saying that adoption fixes that. I doesn't take away those longings or desires. And I will admit that I had some reservations about bringing home a 1 year old. That's old for my first baby right? Oh wait. Is it all about me again? But what about all that we missed? But I have to say that I absolutely cannot have imagined it any other way than where we are now. Sure, it was not the route that I had chosen for myself, but if I had been able to choose my route, it makes me sick to think of what I would have missed. In every way, throughout the process, and now with this amazing little man that is now so much a part of my life that I cannot remember when he wasn't. And just for the practical record, I am pretty thankful that I have an incredible 16 month old who does something new every day, whose character is beautiful, who is NEVER boring and who SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT!!

Okay. I've started writing. The quick update and now I have to include a video which I know is kind of dark and hard to see, but I can't stop laughing at it. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have to get a piano in the house somehow!
Enjoy our little pianist!

Just a few

Maybe I will do one of those slideshow thingy's, but for now I wanted to post a few of these beautiful pictures that my friend Jenny took. She did our wedding photos, and she's still doing an AMAZING job.

2 months

This lil' ol blog has definitely taken a back burner for me these days. Since we've been home, which has been two months today, we have been through what seems like more internal process than in the entire 20 months leading up to now. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but it has definitely left me with much less energy and time to devote to the blog. Ashar Tensey Hodgs is amazing. If I had the time, I could post a MILLION things about him. But at present, I'm much too consumed with being with him, his amazing dad, and learning how to manage this new life that we have. Excellent, difficult, painful, amazingly joyful, confusing, insightful, loud, angry, hilarious, exhausting, busy....those are a few words to try to describe what life is like right now. I can't remember when we didn't have him here with us. I can remember when I didn't have ringworm, when I didn't touch poop daily , when I had lots of time to process on this blog, and when Dan and I slept past 6 am. But really, I can't remember him not being here. That was another life. I don't know how much this blog will be a part of our new life. We'll see where the road and the process lead. But for now, here are a few pictures of my favorite people (and dog) on the planet.

This must be some kind of yoga move. He does it when irritated that we won't give him more Cheerios...

This was before we discovered Baby Einsteines. It's a whole different posture now, but how cute is this?!

I think he'll look much like this again as an old man.

Wow I love this boy

and I can't even handle how cute he is in his diaper.

So I guess I'm not really going to sign off for now, (maybe not quite ready to close this door yet) but my posting will (and already has;) taken a hit. And I may or may not be around here too much in the foreseeable future. I have LOVED LOVED this outlet, and all of the amazing resource, encouragement, and so much more that I have drawn from blogging. But I have to go focus on these men now!

Just Pics

Winding down on blogging steam, so just pics today.


He may look big but he still has saggy baggy pants.


I love these feet.


Oh No expression...again


A rare smile for the camera.


A word of wisdom. Don't get the child dressed before you give them the toothbrush.


And get the child naked before peanut butter.


Love those lips, and eyes, and cheeks and nose and....

A word about CHI

This post is for those of you who are still in the adoption process, or those who are beginning it. This is not a sales pitch, but an encouragement to you and a commendation to CHI. I know from experience how long the process can get. I know how frustrating unmet expectations can be. I know how you long for more information throughout the process. I know how much you just want to get to that day where your child is in your arms. And sometimes it seems like that day will never come. The process turns out longer than you ever expected it would (for most of us), and sometimes fear and doubt creep in, and your mind will take you in all kinds of places. You want questions answered. You want to know if something is being kept from you. There is a black cloud that wants to camp right over your head and rain down all kinds of crap and questions and doubts and fear and more crap. And then you can easily start to worry about a million things that you can't control, so you start reading what others have said, and you start to pick up more threads of doubt, and more things you could fear about. I know how all of that stuff COULD consume you. I know how easy it would be to would be to want to point a finger at someone. And I know that often times that "someone" tends to be your adoption agency. I KNOW. I've been there.

I can't speak for any other agency, because Children's Hope International is the only one that I have any experience with. And from that experience, I can say that I would not need to have an experience with any other. If God told us to adopt again, I wouldn't even question whether or not to use CHI. They would be my first and only choice. I realize that everyone has had and is having different experiences with their particular agency, but I just want to encourage those who are using CHI. They are TOP NOTCH! The hearts of all of the people that we have worked with are pure. They are abosolutely there to help you navigate this long and difficult process in the best way possible. From every consultant that we worked with, to Sharon and the staff in St. Louis, to everyone on the ground in Ethiopia (and everyone in between) they are incredible! I will honestly miss the communication that I have had with Toni and the rest of the staff. I don't know how to give a high enough praise. I don't mean a meaningless "pat-on-the-back" kind of praise. I honestly would recommend CHI to anyone! And to those who are still in the process, though it can sometimes be difficult and frustrating, trust CHI. Trust that they are doing what is best for the children, for the program as a whole, and for you. Even though it doesn't always seem like it, it's true. There is not a selfish motive inside of the Ethiopia staff with CHI.

So I'm not going to give the cliche "hang in there", but I will say that the process will in fact come to an end. You will in fact bring your child/children home. You will be done waiting. You will go to Ethiopia, and you will begin the whole new process of parenting. And in that day, this adoption process will definitely seem like the easy part. And CHI will be there the entire way, encouraging you, guiding you, helping you, teaching you, and cheering you on. Be encouraged!

And now for the picture. Because there must be a picture. Why else did you come here?!

Things Have Changed

Things are very different now. I knew that change was a'comin, but now that it's here, I just smile at some of the realities that exist in my life right now that didn't before. To name a few:

• I grew out my fingernails. I thought it was for pretty, but really it's for picking boogers, because somehow that grosses me out less than the sound of those snot suckers. ACK!
• Ashar is sleeping through the night pretty well, but he has trained me to have to get up and pee once or twice a night. nice...
• We definitely no longer need cable. A 1 year old is extremely entertaining, and he even does tricks!
• I had poop on my hand and my arm today, and it wasn't mine, and I didn't even gag.
• I haven't forgotten the diaper bag yet, but I haven't remembered my purse yet either.
• I no longer shower every day. and I LOVE my showers. I mean LOVE them.
• I totally get the "stay in the pajamas all day thing". I have never understood that before. It just seemed so lazy. But now I totally get it.
• Life is SOOOO much slower. I used to be home a night or two a week, and that was the only time I saw my house. Now, I find things to do just to get out of the house and TRY to keep busy. WEIRD. Totally WEIRD. That is taking some serious getting used to.
• Now that I have long nails, the booger nail (left pinky) is always getting in the way when typing. I have never experienced that before.
• My house smells like a perpetual dirty diaper. Thank God for 55 degrees and open windows today!
• I have random cheerios all over my floor, and it really doesn't bother me.
• I think that some little person's butt and back thighs are seriously the cutest thing I have EVER seen. Is that weird? (see picture below!)
• My life now revolves around poop, boogers, cutting up food, poop, naps, boogers, poop, some tears and lots of giggles.
• Dan and I are learning to communicate in a whole new way and at a whole new level.
• I used to never cry. Now tears come a lot more freely and frequently. From both me and the baby:)
• Attachment is a two way street. Did ya'll know that? I totally didn't know that. I must have not been paying attention in all of those adoption prep classes. (Kinda like in premarital counseling where some well-meaning person is trying to tell you things you really NEED to know, and all you hear is "blah, blah, blah" and think to yourself "That won't be me!" Yeah. It's like that. A LOT like that. I knew that Ashar Tensay would have to attach to us, but somehow I thought that our attachment to him would be instant. And I felt like a total jerk because it wasn't. It's a process. But I have learned that every good thing must have a process attached to it, so why would this be any different?
• This little person that has been in my life in paper form since before he was even conceived, and whom I have loved before I knew in person, is the person that I am now falling in love with. Thank God love is not emotions or feelings! We'd both be in hot water!
• Adoption process is hard. Being a mother and a wife who is a mother to a 1 year old who doesn't know you and whom you don't know is MUCH harder.
• I now refer to Dan as "daddy" a lot of the time, and have all of these 3rd person hypothetical conversations with the sweetest little face that just stares back at me so seriously and then randomly blows me a kiss or waves bye bye at me. Funny stuff.
• This pretty much rocks. It's the hardest thing I have ever done, and it pretty much rocks.

That's all for now, but I can't leave without posting a few pictures.

Our most recent snow storm - LAST WEEK!! Check out that icicle 3/4 of the way down my front door!

See the heap in the back of the yard just to the right of the camper? That's Dan's truck. Buried.

And now what you all came for. Pics of the cutie. The first three is blowing kisses to daddy, of course!

And now a wave for daddy.

And just so you know I'm not messing around about those awesome thighs. (He might be irritated at me someday for this....)

ethiopia, birthdays and pics

I still really don't know how to write about our trip to Ethiopia. I would love to put it into words, but I just don't know how. It's not that the trip was that impacting. I'm sure that it was, but I haven't felt the impact of it yet (except for the 25 lbs of amazing that we brought home;) I am not being evasive with it. I just don't know what to say. I loved our time there, and I was so ready to get home. I loved the country and the people. It was extremely beautiful. They are extremely beautiful. But part of me didn't feel like I was ever really there. It's very hard to believe that I was actually there just a week and a half ago. It feels like a lifetime ago. The child that we received in Ethiopia is not the same child that we have now. He is a different person. He is changing and adjusting and growing daily. He is coming alive with us. He is learning to like, and maybe even love us. And we are growing in love for him. We are learning how to be parents. We are becoming so very aware of our own selfish nature and how much of it still needs to die. Our lives, just like his, have been turned upside down. The thing is, he didn't see it coming, and we have been striving towards this for 4.5 years. So we're all in transition. And most days it is very good. Some days I think that we are all questioning what the heck we're doing. He turned 1 a week after we got home. Two weeks ago I had just met this child, and now we are celebrating his 1st birthday. Wild.

He wasn't wild about the cake. Well, actually he LOVED the cake, but HATED getting dirty. I really doubt that wonderful trait will stick...

Since I don't quite know how to post in words, we'll just go with pictures...

Love these people. The hardest part about leaving Ethiopia was leaving these incredible people.

I got to make the coffee...DO the whole coffee ceremony! And my coffee shop experience did not help at ALL! But it was way fun, and Dan said it even tasted good:)

The laughed at me quite a bit, but we got er brewed.

Dad returned from his tour of Ethiopia to a different boy then the one he had left. One that smiled and giggled and didn't frown quite all the time!

Ethiopians are apparently smaller than Dan is, or at least they have smaller heads!

Very traditional, don't you think?